Pick Me, Call Me, Scam Me

Coz I'm all dark and twisty.

Dear Mrs. Cremas,

My friend and colleague the Iron Tamer really wanted to work with your daughter, and I am so glad you responded to his email with more details about Jullie's plans. Why don't we plan on having Jullie stay in San Francisco for two months and then go on to Nashville for two months? I am actually not sure what state Nashville is in, but neither do you, so that's okay.

You must be keeping track of so many letters, so I'll just include yours here to keep us all on the same page.

Hello ,

Thanks for your response,My daughter is 18 year old and she have little basic knowledge about these Kettlebell.And i want her to come down to your lesson in order to keep her busy during her staying.I will like you to understand that my Jullie will be coming from Singapore to stay with her friend in your location.But she will be staying for 2 months i will want you to teach her for 2 months (4 days training a week) .So kindly let me know the total amount i'm to pay for these 2 months (4 days training a week) plus any other expensives..Hope this is okay with you? If so kindly please advise back with the total amount i'm to pay,so that i can make the payment payable to you,including with your name and contact address including your phone number in which you will receive the cheque before her arrival next month November.

I will be glad to read from you soonest.

Best regards,

Mrs Christine Cremas

Wow, your family is from Singapore! I visited there when I was eight. I love Singapore fried rice! Do you know my friend Karen? She has curly hair, wears glasses, and we met at an international science camp the summer before college. She must still be about my age, quite possibly taller. Jullie has little basic knowledge about kettlebells? How about little advanced knowledge? No worries, I am a very patient teacher. And I have a job for Jullie. I will appoint her the Bubble Gum Monitor! She will make all my students spit out their gums before class. Gum-chewing is one of my biggest pet peeves. In fact, if Jullie trains hard enough she can become an RKC and go to our private forum and read my famous Bubble Gum Rant. And if I may ask, how much does she weigh? The new RKC snatch test is very difficult for over-weight girls. In fact, I need to lose a few pounds myself so maybe she and I can do the Warrior Diet together?

I think Jullie will find San Francisco a most welcoming city. In fact, we are known as a sanctuary. That means if she overstays her visa, it's perfectly legal for her to stay here as an illegal, and since she's 18, she can even drive a car! We have really pretty boys in town, but too bad most of them only like other pretty boys. But I do love 'em boys coz they all love to workout, and that's good for business. Of course, you can expect to get postcards of her posing on our beautiful Golden Gate Bridge. A new safety net will soon be built to turn the world's most scenic exit into the world's most scenic no-way-out. It only costs $50 million to install, and I'm sure you're glad that our city spares no expenses when it comes to our well-being and mental health.

Regarding my fees, upon further thought, can you put me on your payroll and do the federal tax withholding for me? I am ridding my life of administrative baloney. We must be in compliance with FUTA - the F. U. Tax Act. To keep things simple, I will only ask for $200,000 in wages.

Since I am extremely busy, I have assigned all scheduling and client communication duties to my pimp. Please direct any future correspondence to:

Mr. Esef Peedee
Hall of Justice
850 Bryant Street, Room 419
San Francisco, CA 94103
(415) 553-1521

One last note here. Please have Jullie arrive on Tuesday, November 4. An apocalypse that happens only once every four years is not to be missed. Here's how Obumma vs. McPain will play out in Northern California. Either you will see a massive exodus to Canada on Wednesday morning, or the Dow will again free fall and I will raise my rates by 300% to make up for my generous handouts, and Jullie can do my plumbing. (But she must join the union first.)

Respectfully,

Cecilia Tom, RKC

P.S. Since Mr. Smith Grand is your husband, Mr. Rhodes Cremas must be your brother. I understand that he contacted a dojo in Mississippi back in March to inquire about aikido and judo lessons for his daughter Jullie. So your niece's name is also Jullie? Ah, I get it now. You slept with your brother. Angels and insects, birds and bees, they all do it. No problem.

An Open Letter To Mrs. Cremas

Dear Mrs. Cremas,

Since you so kindly sent an email to me this morning, I am going to so kindly respond to you on my very popular blog, because I believe that many of your fellow Nigerians may have similar questions, and I'd like to address all of them here to help keep the global internet bandwidth free from detritus.

First, here's a faithful reproduction of your email inquiry. I am disabling my Blogger spell-check for the moment.

Hello,

I am Mrs Christine Cremas.I contact you on KettlebellTraining.Well my Daughter (Jullie) is coming to stay with her freindfor 2 months and she love Kettlebell. I want her to be coming to yourtraining during her staying ok.

So Note: My Daughter Jullie is just a beginner, so please kindly teachher well. Also kindly let me know your charges cost of thetraining,inorder for me to arrange for her payment before her travel.

Please Advise back on
1. The cost for the training within these 2 months
2. Let me know your mode of payment either by cheque.
3. And your contact Name and address and including your phone numberfor the payment.

I will be glad to read from you soonest.

Best regards,

Mrs Christine Cremas.

Mrs. Cremas, is the "e" pronounced like in cremate or is it more like crème brûlée, and do you emphasize the second syllable as in ass? Sorry for all these questions. I do want to address you correctly.

I would love to work with your daughter Jullie. Since I live in San Francisco, and today is the 19th anniversary of the Loma Prieta Earthquake, I'd like to inform you that I am raising my rates to include a special earthquake surcharge. So, to answer your questions -

1. A two-month luxury one-on-one package would cost you $10,000 + 19% earthquake insurance = $11,900. A two-on-one package with myself and another male RKC trainer specializing in the PTTP Bear Program would cost double. A gang bang package can be arranged, but you will have to pay the City of San Francisco for a special permit.

2. I only take cash. I know it's not safe for a young lady to travel with so much money. I would suggest that she put the cash in a plastic bag and shove it up her ass.

3. Regarding my name, address and phone number, please be informed that it is common law in the United States to require businesses to operate under fictitious names. If you're seeking to make contact with deep-pocketed individuals and service providers, your best bet is to data-mine the ACORN voter registration files in Ohio.

I suppose Jullie is touring our country and not only staying in San Francisco, so I'd like to recommend other enormously popular kettlebell instructors who can guarantee her sissification. For example, Ryan "Sgt." Shanahan specializes in "ripitude" using hollowed-out kettlebells. Then there's Michelle Khai, who sells affordable 4 lb. kettlebells that can double as paper weights.

As you well know, I am also a certified Z Health practitioner, and through the grapevine I heard that your son Jullian may need the services of trainers in the Z Health network. Since I am so kindly kind, I took the initiative to compose an introduction letter for you, similar to the one you sent me. I think it will bring you many usable leads, and I'm really glad to have the opportunity to help you out.

Here it is :-)

Hello,

I am Mrs Christine Cremas.I contact you on Rehab,Reeducate,Restore, my sons hip.Well my Son (Jullian) is hit by car two months back and the doctor said he will only hop on crutch.We sued driver and thanks God the court awards us damage EUROS 6,9 mil (6,900,000).so I am asking you please teach him pelvis tilt. I want him to be coming to yourtherapy ok.

So Note: My Son Jullian is in much hurt, so please kindly cure him better. Also kindly let me know your charges cost of thetreatment,inorder for me to arrange for the payment of your healing.

Please Advise back on
1. The cost for the treatment for my Son Jullian to no more hop
2. Let me know your mode of payment either by cheque.
3. And your contact Name and address and including your Bank Account number for the payment.

I will be glad to read from you soonest.

Best regards,

Mrs Christine Cremas.

Mrs. Cremas, I must warn you. There are unkindly people out there who will give you garbage information. You must disregard all financial institution accounts unless it says "Lehman Brothers" - then you know it's for real.

Finally, I know your husband is Mr. Smith Grand. He sends me many emails about the herbs he takes for his penis. He says he makes his wife ecstatic. You must be such a happy, horny woman. I congratulate you on your most excellent family, and I look forward to meeting your lovely children, Jullie and Jullian.

Going For Broke

(I am still not done with my Potty Training piece below, but a PR takes precedence.)

Who: Me, 108 lb. (previous) + 7 lb. (excess), measured at 1 pm
What: 82 sets of VO2-max snatches, 15:15 protocol,
7 reps per set, 8 kg kettlebell
When: Wednesday, October 15, 2008, 8:45 pm - 9:26 pm
Where: @ EBM Kung Fu in Oakland (in the back room)
How: Just do it!

Last week at the same time, I did 40 sets, 20 minutes. That was the plan. I felt a little fatigued towards the end, no doubt from the expectation that the end was near. I executed. I earned my dessert. I ate my cupcake.

The overall game plan was to add 8 sets per week, so it would take me five more sessions to hit 80. Tonight I set the Gymboss in 15-second intervals, so 48 sets = 96 rounds. It is actually kind of cool that the Gymboss rounds decrease by 4 per minute - it seems to approach zero at a faster pace :-) I was running high on qi from the tai chi class (with some bagua to boot), so I just went for it. I was mentally counting each set and focusing on form. I am still not happy with how my left arm is snatching. So I was tweaking this, tweaking that, but always making sure that I completed 7 reps before the beep. At T = 16 minutes, I started counting down. Eight more minutes and I'd be done with 48 sets. At T = 20 minutes, I looked down at my hands for the first time and I saw blood. I was wearing fingerless cloth glove-liners and there's a bright red patch oozing from right below the left pinky. I perked up like a hungry vampire. Quick mental calculation - if I finished 56 sets instead of 48 today, I will have one less week of this hand-shredding nonsense to endure.

As soon as the Gymboss flatlined, I restarted the clock. Four more minutes! Four more minutes! Four more minutes! No term limits! And so it went. I lost count and my body went into auto-pilot. I didn't feel tired. I could feel the irritation from the bloody blister, but by that time I was going for broke and nothing could have stopped me. I became confused as to how many 15-second rounds should remain on the Gymboss by the end of 80 sets. By the time I figured it out - the answer is 32, since I restarted at 96 - I had six more minutes to go. I rallied. ROOOH AAAH! I began to compose this blog post in my head. When 80 came around, I felt like the Energizer Bunny. Why don't I let the clock run down? So I snatched two more sets. Okay, enough is enough. I should be practicing something else. I had the Viking Push Press on my to-do list.

By that time, people were coming into the room to change. (They were taking sanshou class in the main studio.) The extra Danish torture will have to happen on another day.

I will try the 36:36 protocol when my hands are all healed up, and then cycle back to the 15:15. Right now, I don't think I can increase my snatch cadence to 8 and still finish within 15 seconds, so my next goal is to use a slightly heavier weight. I am going to buy a 20 lb. kettlebell.

So, in summation, or multiplication, 82 x 7 = 574 snatches.
Or, in summary, or multiplicity, 1 snatch, 574 times. (And acknowledging W2 for first putting it this way, so poignantly.)

Potty-Training

I am not a personal trainer. I never played sports. I have never taken an anatomy class in school. Before I studied pilates in 2002, I didn't know what patella meant or what ACL stood for, let alone what could possibly go wrong with the knee. I was blessed with ignorance - and bliss - because I could move any way I wanted with reckless abandon. I knew diddly-squat about squatting, but squat I did. Quite fortuitously, when I gave my bed away in 1999, I had set myself up for a daily regimen that has kept my legs and joints in superb condition.

The first piece of furniture that I bought as an adult was a bed. For a year after college, I slept on a twin-sized futon, the thing I sat on to study when I was still in school. Then I bought a real wood-framed bed with a firm futon mattress. Luxury! Later, I quit the corporate job and had to downsize, which meant moving in with a roommate. She was a vivacious, passionate Italian woman, a great soul with bad knees (and some other health challenges). When we eventually parted ways, I left her my bed, as she had a hard time getting out of her own.

Almost a decade later, my mattress is still on the floor. Since I live in a tiny studio apartment, the room looks more spacious without a big chunk of bed, but I've always thought that one day, when the bank will take my kettlebells as collateral and give me a mortgage, I will purchase a one-bedroom condo and a bed. Well, I don't even have half a down payment, and I live in San Francisco, but at least I took the bed off the list, so I'm actually closer to my goal :-) Ever since I became aware of the pervasive fear of squatting among certain quarters of the training community, I relish more than ever the act of getting up in the morning. Planting my feet firmly on the floor, feeling the carpet (and wishing for hardwood), shifting my weight slightly, pushing off - voila, I'm up. Look Ma, no hands! A bodyweight get-up + squat, RKC HardStyle. Needless to say, it gives me immense satisfaction to get up in the middle of the night to go to the loo. I hereby issue a challenge to my hard-living comrades: pistol up from your mattress if you need to go pee. Beds are for sissies.

The Japanese got it right - when you sleep on a tatami-style bed all your life, standing up from a rock-bottom squat becomes an autonomous function, and you maintain resilient knees and strong legs without having to think about it. I said "maintain" because we're born with that natural ability to squat. In Athletic Body in Balance, a must-have for anyone serious about identifying and overcoming functional weaknesses, FMS guru Gray Cook writes:

A child does not learn to squat from the top down - in other words, he does not suddenly make a conscious decision one day to squat. Actually, he is squatting one day and makes the conscious decision to stand. Squatting precedes standing in the developmental sequence ... Therefore, a child is probably crawling, rocks back into a squatting position with the back completely relaxed and the hips completely flexed, and stands when he has enough hip strength. This approach makes a lot of sense and can be applied to relearning the deep squat movement if it is lost.

Note that it is completely natural for the back to be "completely relaxed" in a deep squat, i.e. flexion in the spine is a-okay.


(To be continued ... )

Preview: The RKC front squat will not fuck up your knees, but in fact will help restore mobility and function relinquished by toddlers in "civilized" countries with the evolution of the modern toilet. The full squat position is good for business.

Taiko Festival!

I'd like to invite everyone to my taiko group's upcoming Meigetsu (Harvest Moon) Taiko Fest to be held on September 12th, 13th, and 14th at Dance Mission Theater in San Francisco. As some of you know, my journey in rhythm began at the Ali Akbar College of Music in San Rafael, where I studied tabla (North Indian drums) with Pt. Swapan Chaudhuri for many years. I took a break when I transitioned to a career in movement instruction, and I also spent a couple of years with two Chinese classical dance groups. Last summer, I got smitten by kettlebells and decided to prioritize my training for the RKC certification. That meant I had very little time left to devote to martial arts and kung fu, yet I missed that warrior energy that had been part and parcel of my being ever since I learned that immensely satisfying round-house kick way back in 1996. But, the Universe always provides what is needed at the moment. By happenstance, I discovered that Sensei Bruce “Mui” Ghent was offering an introductory taiko class in September 2007 at Dance Mission, and it took me less time than Usain Bolt’s 100-meter dash to decide to sign up.

Taiko turned out to be exactly what I needed. It’s got rhythm, kung fu stances, rousing dynamics, fat-burning mechanics, and great spirit – of the peaceful warrior. Taiko drumming is a group endeavor. It is constructive, creative, communal. While I still love to watch bloody UFC fights, kickboxing class has long since ceased to stir my soul, and in any case who wants to fight with guys who never wash their hand-wraps?! And by the way, the kettlebell snatch is the best GPP training I could have done for taiko class. Arm strength, shoulder ROM, cardio endurance – HardStyle provides. Folks in class are taping their hands for blisters, and to help with the grip. I think Pavel would say, “Comrades, soap up the drum sticks, smoke the grip!” Here’s to you, sir -

I wear my well worn RKC calluses with pride,
and take my sweaty RKC palms in stride.

So, come see the taiko get pwned.

Meigetsu (Harvest Moon) Taiko Fest
A Benefit for the Maikaze (Dancing Wind) Taiko School

The performance will feature many renowned taiko artists and ensembles as well as the Maikaze students. Most of us have studied taiko for only about a year, and we’d love to have your support! I will be in two pieces – the first and the last.

Friday, September 12, 8 PM
Saturday, September 13, 8 PM
Sunday, September 14, 6 PM

Dance Mission Theater
3316 24th Street (@ Mission)
San Francisco, CA 94110

The venue is directly across the street from the 24th / Mission BART station. Parking is available at the Mission Bartlett Garage, 90 Bartlett Street - enter on 21st Street.

Tickets
$14 pre-paid, $17 at the door
T-Shirts
$15 pre-paid, $20 at the door
Fundraiser Package
A donation of $30-50 (sliding scale) for one ticket and one t-shirt to benefit the Maikaze Taiko School, with priority seating.

The pictures above show the front and back designs of the t-shirt. To purchase tickets and / or t-shirts, please email me or leave a comment here.

Barely Legal

Much has been said about the prepubescent Chinese girls who tried - and succeeded, with the complicity of an entire nation chasing Olympic glory and that international emblem of corruption, the IOC - to pass off as 16 to compete in the gymnastics competition at the Beijing Olympics. Notwithstanding the fact that they are indeed terrific gymnasts and athletes, there is something hugely unsatisfying about watching little girls compete against adult women. The playing field is not level - body proportions are different, and that affects the strength requirements of the different routines - and aesthetically, it's just not the same. The best way that I can put it is this - Would you rather see Angelina Jolie naked, or do you prefer kiddie porn? Enough said.

Hole In One

I want to congratulate my client Ian for hitting a hole-in-one on Wednesday - 220 yards, he said. Ian has been doing pilates for 4 1/2 years, 2-3 times a week, and recently added kettlebells to his workout. This is the WTH ("What The Hell") Effect in glorious display. If you swing kettlebells, crazy things can happen. Ian is your IPO go-to guy. If you have a cool company (alternative energy, solar) that needs some financing, call him up for a game of golf.