a kettlebell training log, and
a launch pad for aberrant missives

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Pick Me, Call Me, Scam Me

Coz I'm all dark and twisty.

Dear Mrs. Cremas,

My friend and colleague the Iron Tamer really wanted to work with your daughter, and I am so glad you responded to his email with more details about Jullie's plans. Why don't we plan on having Jullie stay in San Francisco for two months and then go on to Nashville for two months? I am actually not sure what state Nashville is in, but neither do you, so that's okay.

You must be keeping track of so many letters, so I'll just include yours here to keep us all on the same page.

Hello ,

Thanks for your response,My daughter is 18 year old and she have little basic knowledge about these Kettlebell.And i want her to come down to your lesson in order to keep her busy during her staying.I will like you to understand that my Jullie will be coming from Singapore to stay with her friend in your location.But she will be staying for 2 months i will want you to teach her for 2 months (4 days training a week) .So kindly let me know the total amount i'm to pay for these 2 months (4 days training a week) plus any other expensives..Hope this is okay with you? If so kindly please advise back with the total amount i'm to pay,so that i can make the payment payable to you,including with your name and contact address including your phone number in which you will receive the cheque before her arrival next month November.

I will be glad to read from you soonest.

Best regards,

Mrs Christine Cremas

Wow, your family is from Singapore! I visited there when I was eight. I love Singapore fried rice! Do you know my friend Karen? She has curly hair, wears glasses, and we met at an international science camp the summer before college. She must still be about my age, quite possibly taller. Jullie has little basic knowledge about kettlebells? How about little advanced knowledge? No worries, I am a very patient teacher. And I have a job for Jullie. I will appoint her the Bubble Gum Monitor! She will make all my students spit out their gums before class. Gum-chewing is one of my biggest pet peeves. In fact, if Jullie trains hard enough she can become an RKC and go to our private forum and read my famous Bubble Gum Rant. And if I may ask, how much does she weigh? The new RKC snatch test is very difficult for over-weight girls. In fact, I need to lose a few pounds myself so maybe she and I can do the Warrior Diet together?

I think Jullie will find San Francisco a most welcoming city. In fact, we are known as a sanctuary. That means if she overstays her visa, it's perfectly legal for her to stay here as an illegal, and since she's 18, she can even drive a car! We have really pretty boys in town, but too bad most of them only like other pretty boys. But I do love 'em boys coz they all love to workout, and that's good for business. Of course, you can expect to get postcards of her posing on our beautiful Golden Gate Bridge. A new safety net will soon be built to turn the world's most scenic exit into the world's most scenic no-way-out. It only costs $50 million to install, and I'm sure you're glad that our city spares no expenses when it comes to our well-being and mental health.

Regarding my fees, upon further thought, can you put me on your payroll and do the federal tax withholding for me? I am ridding my life of administrative baloney. We must be in compliance with FUTA - the F. U. Tax Act. To keep things simple, I will only ask for $200,000 in wages.

Since I am extremely busy, I have assigned all scheduling and client communication duties to my pimp. Please direct any future correspondence to:

Mr. Esef Peedee
Hall of Justice
850 Bryant Street, Room 419
San Francisco, CA 94103
(415) 553-1521

One last note here. Please have Jullie arrive on Tuesday, November 4. An apocalypse that happens only once every four years is not to be missed. Here's how Obumma vs. McPain will play out in Northern California. Either you will see a massive exodus to Canada on Wednesday morning, or the Dow will again free fall and I will raise my rates by 300% to make up for my generous handouts, and Jullie can do my plumbing. (But she must join the union first.)


Cecilia Tom, RKC

P.S. Since Mr. Smith Grand is your husband, Mr. Rhodes Cremas must be your brother. I understand that he contacted a dojo in Mississippi back in March to inquire about aikido and judo lessons for his daughter Jullie. So your niece's name is also Jullie? Ah, I get it now. You slept with your brother. Angels and insects, birds and bees, they all do it. No problem.

Friday, October 17, 2008

An Open Letter To Mrs. Cremas

Dear Mrs. Cremas,

Since you so kindly sent an email to me this morning, I am going to so kindly respond to you on my very popular blog, because I believe that many of your fellow Nigerians may have similar questions, and I'd like to address all of them here to help keep the global internet bandwidth free from detritus.

First, here's a faithful reproduction of your email inquiry. I am disabling my Blogger spell-check for the moment.


I am Mrs Christine Cremas.I contact you on KettlebellTraining.Well my Daughter (Jullie) is coming to stay with her freindfor 2 months and she love Kettlebell. I want her to be coming to yourtraining during her staying ok.

So Note: My Daughter Jullie is just a beginner, so please kindly teachher well. Also kindly let me know your charges cost of thetraining,inorder for me to arrange for her payment before her travel.

Please Advise back on
1. The cost for the training within these 2 months
2. Let me know your mode of payment either by cheque.
3. And your contact Name and address and including your phone numberfor the payment.

I will be glad to read from you soonest.

Best regards,

Mrs Christine Cremas.

Mrs. Cremas, is the "e" pronounced like in cremate or is it more like crème brûlée, and do you emphasize the second syllable as in ass? Sorry for all these questions. I do want to address you correctly.

I would love to work with your daughter Jullie. Since I live in San Francisco, and today is the 19th anniversary of the Loma Prieta Earthquake, I'd like to inform you that I am raising my rates to include a special earthquake surcharge. So, to answer your questions -

1. A two-month luxury one-on-one package would cost you $10,000 + 19% earthquake insurance = $11,900. A two-on-one package with myself and another male RKC trainer specializing in the PTTP Bear Program would cost double. A gang bang package can be arranged, but you will have to pay the City of San Francisco for a special permit.

2. I only take cash. I know it's not safe for a young lady to travel with so much money. I would suggest that she put the cash in a plastic bag and shove it up her ass.

3. Regarding my name, address and phone number, please be informed that it is common law in the United States to require businesses to operate under fictitious names. If you're seeking to make contact with deep-pocketed individuals and service providers, your best bet is to data-mine the ACORN voter registration files in Ohio.

I suppose Jullie is touring our country and not only staying in San Francisco, so I'd like to recommend other enormously popular kettlebell instructors who can guarantee her sissification. For example, Ryan "Sgt." Shanahan specializes in "
ripitude" using hollowed-out kettlebells. Then there's Michelle Khai, who sells affordable 4 lb. kettlebells that can double as paper weights.

As you well know, I am also a certified Z Health practitioner, and through the grapevine I heard that your son Jullian may need the services of trainers in the Z Health network. Since I am so kindly kind, I took the initiative to compose an introduction letter for you, similar to the one you sent me. I think it will bring you many usable leads, and I'm really glad to have the opportunity to help you out.

Here it is :-)


I am Mrs Christine Cremas.I contact you on Rehab,Reeducate,Restore, my sons hip.Well my Son (Jullian) is hit by car two months back and the doctor said he will only hop on crutch.We sued driver and thanks God the court awards us damage EUROS 6,9 mil (6,900,000).so I am asking you please teach him pelvis tilt. I want him to be coming to yourtherapy ok.

So Note: My Son Jullian is in much hurt, so please kindly cure him better. Also kindly let me know your charges cost of thetreatment,inorder for me to arrange for the payment of your healing.

Please Advise back on
1. The cost for the treatment for my Son Jullian to no more hop
2. Let me know your mode of payment either by cheque.
3. And your contact Name and address and including your Bank Account number for the payment.

I will be glad to read from you soonest.

Best regards,

Mrs Christine Cremas.

Mrs. Cremas, I must warn you. There are unkindly people out there who will give you garbage information. You must disregard all financial institution accounts unless it says "Lehman Brothers" - then you know it's for real.

Finally, I know your husband is Mr. Smith Grand. He sends me many emails about the herbs he takes for his penis. He says he makes his wife ecstatic. You must be such a happy, horny woman. I congratulate you on your most excellent family, and I look forward to meeting your lovely children, Jullie and Jullian.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Going For Broke

(I am still not done with my Potty Training piece below, but a PR takes precedence.)

Who: Me, 108 lb. (previous) + 7 lb. (excess), measured at 1 pm
What: 82 sets of VO2-max snatches, 15:15 protocol,
7 reps per set, 8 kg kettlebell

When: Wednesday, October 15, 2008, 8:45 pm - 9:26 pm
Where: @ EBM Kung Fu in Oakland (in the back room)
How: Just do it!

Last week at the same time, I did 40 sets, 20 minutes. That was the plan. I felt a little fatigued towards the end, no doubt from the expectation that the end was near. I executed. I earned my dessert. I ate my cupcake.

The overall game plan was to add 8 sets per week, so it would take me five more sessions to hit 80. Tonight I set the Gymboss in 15-second intervals, so 48 sets = 96 rounds. It is actually kind of cool that the Gymboss rounds decrease by 4 per minute - it seems to approach zero at a faster pace :-) I was running high on qi from the tai chi class (with some bagua to boot), so I just went for it. I was mentally counting each set and focusing on form. I am still not happy with how my left arm is snatching. So I was tweaking this, tweaking that, but always making sure that I completed 7 reps before the beep. At T = 16 minutes, I started counting down. Eight more minutes and I'd be done with 48 sets. At T = 20 minutes, I looked down at my hands for the first time and I saw blood. I was wearing fingerless cloth glove-liners and there's a bright red patch oozing from right below the left pinky. I perked up like a hungry vampire. Quick mental calculation - if I finished 56 sets instead of 48 today, I will have one less week of this hand-shredding nonsense to endure.

As soon as the Gymboss flatlined, I restarted the clock. Four more minutes! Four more minutes! Four more minutes! No term limits! And so it went. I lost count and my body went into auto-pilot. I didn't feel tired. I could feel the irritation from the bloody blister, but by that time I was going for broke and nothing could have stopped me. I became confused as to how many 15-second rounds should remain on the Gymboss by the end of 80 sets. By the time I figured it out - the answer is 32, since I restarted at 96 - I had six more minutes to go. I rallied. ROOOH AAAH! I began to compose this blog post in my head. When 80 came around, I felt like the Energizer Bunny. Why don't I let the clock run down? So I snatched two more sets. Okay, enough is enough. I should be practicing something else. I had the Viking Push Press on my to-do list.

By that time, people were coming into the room to change. (They were taking sanshou class in the main studio.) The extra Danish torture will have to happen on another day.

I will try the 36:36 protocol when my hands are all healed up, and then cycle back to the 15:15. Right now, I don't think I can increase my snatch cadence to 8 and still finish within 15 seconds, so my next goal is to use a slightly heavier weight. I am going to buy a 20 lb. kettlebell.

So, in summation, or multiplication, 82 x 7 = 574 snatches.
Or, in summary, or multiplicity, 1 snatch, 574 times. (And acknowledging W2 for first putting it this way, so poignantly.)