An Open Letter To Mrs. Cremas

Dear Mrs. Cremas,

Since you so kindly sent an email to me this morning, I am going to so kindly respond to you on my very popular blog, because I believe that many of your fellow Nigerians may have similar questions, and I'd like to address all of them here to help keep the global internet bandwidth free from detritus.

First, here's a faithful reproduction of your email inquiry. I am disabling my Blogger spell-check for the moment.

Hello,

I am Mrs Christine Cremas.I contact you on KettlebellTraining.Well my Daughter (Jullie) is coming to stay with her freindfor 2 months and she love Kettlebell. I want her to be coming to yourtraining during her staying ok.

So Note: My Daughter Jullie is just a beginner, so please kindly teachher well. Also kindly let me know your charges cost of thetraining,inorder for me to arrange for her payment before her travel.

Please Advise back on
1. The cost for the training within these 2 months
2. Let me know your mode of payment either by cheque.
3. And your contact Name and address and including your phone numberfor the payment.

I will be glad to read from you soonest.

Best regards,

Mrs Christine Cremas.

Mrs. Cremas, is the "e" pronounced like in cremate or is it more like crème brûlée, and do you emphasize the second syllable as in ass? Sorry for all these questions. I do want to address you correctly.

I would love to work with your daughter Jullie. Since I live in San Francisco, and today is the 19th anniversary of the Loma Prieta Earthquake, I'd like to inform you that I am raising my rates to include a special earthquake surcharge. So, to answer your questions -

1. A two-month luxury one-on-one package would cost you $10,000 + 19% earthquake insurance = $11,900. A two-on-one package with myself and another male RKC trainer specializing in the PTTP Bear Program would cost double. A gang bang package can be arranged, but you will have to pay the City of San Francisco for a special permit.

2. I only take cash. I know it's not safe for a young lady to travel with so much money. I would suggest that she put the cash in a plastic bag and shove it up her ass.

3. Regarding my name, address and phone number, please be informed that it is common law in the United States to require businesses to operate under fictitious names. If you're seeking to make contact with deep-pocketed individuals and service providers, your best bet is to data-mine the ACORN voter registration files in Ohio.

I suppose Jullie is touring our country and not only staying in San Francisco, so I'd like to recommend other enormously popular kettlebell instructors who can guarantee her sissification. For example, Ryan "Sgt." Shanahan specializes in "ripitude" using hollowed-out kettlebells. Then there's Michelle Khai, who sells affordable 4 lb. kettlebells that can double as paper weights.

As you well know, I am also a certified Z Health practitioner, and through the grapevine I heard that your son Jullian may need the services of trainers in the Z Health network. Since I am so kindly kind, I took the initiative to compose an introduction letter for you, similar to the one you sent me. I think it will bring you many usable leads, and I'm really glad to have the opportunity to help you out.

Here it is :-)

Hello,

I am Mrs Christine Cremas.I contact you on Rehab,Reeducate,Restore, my sons hip.Well my Son (Jullian) is hit by car two months back and the doctor said he will only hop on crutch.We sued driver and thanks God the court awards us damage EUROS 6,9 mil (6,900,000).so I am asking you please teach him pelvis tilt. I want him to be coming to yourtherapy ok.

So Note: My Son Jullian is in much hurt, so please kindly cure him better. Also kindly let me know your charges cost of thetreatment,inorder for me to arrange for the payment of your healing.

Please Advise back on
1. The cost for the treatment for my Son Jullian to no more hop
2. Let me know your mode of payment either by cheque.
3. And your contact Name and address and including your Bank Account number for the payment.

I will be glad to read from you soonest.

Best regards,

Mrs Christine Cremas.

Mrs. Cremas, I must warn you. There are unkindly people out there who will give you garbage information. You must disregard all financial institution accounts unless it says "Lehman Brothers" - then you know it's for real.

Finally, I know your husband is Mr. Smith Grand. He sends me many emails about the herbs he takes for his penis. He says he makes his wife ecstatic. You must be such a happy, horny woman. I congratulate you on your most excellent family, and I look forward to meeting your lovely children, Jullie and Jullian.